I started it as a prank on one of my closest male friend since I was a kid. I thought it’d be fun if I’d kid him around and play with him even if we’re both grown-ups now. It is really funny, if you’d look at it in the sidelines. Well, not until I felt this tingling confusion deep inside me.
At first, I don’t pay much attention with what I feel. It feels normal, in a way that it doesn’t seem to bother me. I started poking him repeatedly and it makes me smile widely whenever he pokes me back. It feels like the attention I was looking for was being satisfied by this simple behaviour. Then, I sent messages to him. I forced him to reply back and pretend to be mad whenever he doesn’t. We kid and joke around and he makes me laugh in every simple thing he says; even if it’s really not humorous. At night, I’d stay up late just to wait for him to go online and when he does, I’d start a playful conversation again. It’s always been like that, until tonight.
I can’t help but ask myself why I am doing these unfathomable things. It’s unexplainable; totally out of the question. A sane person wouldn’t do the things I did just because she likes to play. A sane person wouldn’t spend hours and hours thinking of what may have been. A sane person wouldn’t have thoughts about dating her friend if the other person is really just a friend! So I’m insane?
I’m going crazy thinking about him and about us. I’m totally confused and I don’t know how long things would last. I’m scared to get hurt and I’m scared to lose the friendship we managed to build until now. I don’t want to lose him but he doesn’t feel the same way!
Life is unfair, right? You can’t have something you really want and need but some other people just threw it away. Can’t they realize that they’re making huge mistake in their life by letting go of chances?
내가 미쳐!
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